How you can help

• Learn what abuse is; it’s about control, not anger. Abusive behavior is rooted in a desire to maintain power over another person through intimidation, manipulation, coercion, or other means. It doesn’t require anger; it can be calculated and deliberate. Anger may accompany abuse, but anger doesn’t cause it. Addressing anger alone does not address the attitudes and behaviors that drive abuse. Abusers can be among the nicest people you know—especially when it serves their interests. They may be well-liked and respected by others in their family, bosses, faith communities, and colleagues. In fact, a positive public reputation can help conceal private abusive behavior. During an abusive episode, they may even invoke that reputation to discredit their target: “So-and-so agrees with me that you’re wrong!” Having other people’s approval doesn’t make abusive behavior acceptable, and an abuser’s ability to win others over doesn’t make a distorted version of events the truth.
• Abuse is not limited to physical violence. If you become angry when someone doesn’t do what you ask or behave the way you want, examine your own behavior. Are you saying things to try to hurt the other person, shame them, or pressure them into doing what you want? Are you triangulating, trying to recruit other people to help you pressure the person? Are you trying to control the other person? Abuse can be physical or psychological. Not all abuse leaves bruises.
• If you’re angry with someone, respond first with curiosity. When someone frustrates or upsets you, pause before reacting. Ask questions, listen to their perspective, and seek to understand rather than to control or punish. Model respectful, nonviolent ways of resolving conflict. If you recognize abusive patterns in your own behavior, contact a domestic violence prevention program; they can connect you with help.
• Treat others with respect. Cultivate respect for everyone, including family members, coworkers, and people with whom you disagree. Avoid behaviors that demean, intimidate, or control others. Remember that a polite tone does not render abusive behaviors or attitudes harmless. Politeness is not the same thing as respect.
• Don’t presume to know someone else’s motivations. People who engage in abusive behavior often interpret others’ actions primarily in terms of how those actions affect them, then claim to know why the other person acted as they did. You can observe what someone does and describe how it affects you, but you cannot know their intentions based only on how you’re affected. Distinguish what you know from what you assume.
• Don’t use other people to unload your bad day. Venting often means expressing your own frustration or anger on someone without making room for their perspective. Sometimes it means unloading on someone who is completely unconnected, but is a convenient target… like having a fight with a parent, then taking it out on a spouse. A healthy conversation allows both people to speak, listen, and be heard. If you express your anger or determine someone’s motives without allowing them a response, you’ve turned the conversation into an act of intimidation or control.
• Enter difficult conversations willing to be wrong. No one has a monopoly on the truth, and your perspective is not the only one that matters. Abusive behavior often involves treating one’s own interpretation as unquestionable and assuming that other people should have the same priorities, needs, and expectations as you do. When someone doesn’t behave as you want them to, resist the urge to blame or pressure them. Instead, consider that you may be missing information, misunderstanding their intentions, misreading the tone of a text or email, or expecting something they have no obligation (and sometimes no ability) to provide. A willingness to reconsider your own perspective is essential to a respectful relationship.

• If you’re in a position of authority, take action. Whether you’re a leader in a faith community, the head of an organization, or a workplace supervisor, you have a responsibility to address abuse and bullying when you see it. Bullying is not a conflict between two people with equal power; it involves an imbalance that can make it difficult or unsafe for the targeted person to stand up for themselves. And despite the common misconception, ignoring a bully doesn’t make the behavior stop. Silence and inaction can instead signal that the behavior is acceptable. Use your position to set clear boundaries, hold people accountable, and protect those being targeted.

• Don’t let likability blind you to abuse. Abusers aren’t always the people you’d expect. They may be charismatic, well-liked, high-performing at work, or someone you consider a friend. Some abusers use triangulation—communicating selectively through others, spreading competing versions of events, or recruiting allies—to hurt and isolate their target and shape how others perceive them. Pay attention to more than just your personal relationship with someone or the version of events they share with you. Are they using your support or friendship to justify abusive actions? A person can be a valued friend or colleague to you and still be mistreating someone else. Remember, if you’re in a position of authority, it’s even more likely they’ll conceal their abusive behaviors from you.

If someone you know is being abused, they need your support.  They may not ask for it directly, but if you express your concern, it may help them to break the silence and seek assistance.  Many victims say fear, shame and embarrassment are powerful barriers to their seeking help.  Let them know you care, and that you’re concerned about their safety.  Gently ask direct questions about the person’s situation.  If they don’t want to talk, don’t pressure them. Let them know you’re there for them. Perhaps try again another time if it feels right.  If they disclose information about their situation…

• Listen to what the person says.  Give them time and space to talk without interruptions. Deliberately pausing before you respond in the conversation can give the person the space to gather their thoughts and share more. Many victims and survivors feel pressure to minimize the abuse when they talk about it so they don’t make other people uncomfortable.
• Believe what they say.  Some situations may sound different than anything you may have experienced.  Let the person know that you believe them and that abuse doesn’t generally go away on its own. It usually gets worse over time.
• Don’t blame the victim for the abuse.  Questions like, “What did you do to make him so mad?” put the responsibility for the abuse on the victim instead of the person who was abusive.  Explain that they’re not alone, and that the abuse is not their fault. Explain that there’s no excuse for abuse.
• Keep what they tell you confidential.  Shame and embarrassment are barriers for victims seeking assistance, but fear of what the abuser may do to them for telling about the abuse is a deadly risk this victim may be taking to tell you their story.  Keep them safe – don’t talk about it without their permission.
• Allow the person to make his or her own decisions.  Don’t rush to give opinions or tell the person what to do.  Offer to help the person seek the assistance of a domestic violence advocate.  Assure them that reaching out to a licensed DV program is free and confidential–and that they get to decide what to do. Reaching out for help does not initiate a law enforcement response unless they want it. Always respect the person’s right to make their own decisions.

• Display brochures or posters in your place of business, community center or other places you think might reach potential victims. Your local program can provide literature.
• Put stickers with the name and number for the Domestic Violence hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE, in public spaces where allowed, such as on stall doors and bathroom mirrors in women’s rooms, hair/nail style salon mirrors, at bus stop benches and shelters, on the handles of shopping carts, at checkout registers, or other prominent eye-resting spots.
• Contact your local domestic violence program and ask if there’s a way you can help.  Familiarize yourself with the name of the program, what services they offer and how to contact them. (If you don’t know your local program, you can find it on our Member Programs page.)